Share Your Heart

Last night I was going through some of my old things and I found some notes scribbled on scrap paper that I had taken during youth camp when I was interning with International teams in Ukraine the summer before my senior year at Judson University, and since it really seems to go with what I’ve been hearing lately and some of the reason for this blog, I figured I’d better share.

               During my 9 week internship in Ukraine with International Teams, I got to help the missionaries and the church in Ukraine with their summer camps.   For three weeks we packed up our tents, sleeping bags, notebooks, and camp activity supplies and drove up into the mountains of Lisarnea Ukraine, to a little farm house and barn.  Across the little gravel road from the barn was a field where I set up my tent and the next day kids and youth from around Ukraine would fill the field surrounding my tent with their own tents and we literally camped for a week.  Each week we met in the barn for worship and lessons, had games and competitions, dance, English, and art classes, among others, hiked in the mountains and studied scripture.  We ate lots of buckwheat and borscht and had tea and cookies every night around 9pm.  During the youth and leaders camps, we had campfires and great conversation and, with the help of a dear friend translating, we played mafia.  It was an incredible three weeks filled with fun, adventure, learning, growing, and God.  When people talked about the location of the camp being “Lisarnea” it sounded to me like “Narnia,” which was appropriate to me as I felt like I had stepped through some magical wardrobe or off a magical train to a magical new world where amazing things happened.

               Week 2 in “Narnia” was a youth camp, and we really had an incredible group of kids!  I got the privilege of being a sort of “counselor” or “group leader” for some of them, and this was such a blessing for me.  One night at worship we were all asked to spend some time listening to God and we were given pen and paper to write anything that we felt God speaking to us.  Through translators we all got to hear some of the beautiful things God was speaking to these Ukrainian youth during our time hidden away in the mountains.  During this week of camp, I got the chance to share my testimony.  I enjoy sharing my testimony as it reminds me of all the cool things God has done in my life and the places he has brought me and lessons he has taught me, but every time I go to share it, I struggle.  I struggle to think that what I have to say is at all important.  I struggle, comparing my story and my lessons to the stories of others who are sharing and I think “wow her testimony is so much more powerful, mine really isn’t important.”  I see people react with tears, moved and encouraged and challenged, as others share and I think to myself that their testimony was better than mine or that message was more important and I could never have anything worthy of sharing and being listened to.  Of course these things are all lies, but I often give into them and keep my thoughts and stories and the things God has placed on my heart to myself thinking that anything coming from me is not worth anything.  This, of course, uncovers deeper lies that the devil constantly tortures me with about my own self-worth and capabilities and callings.  So, now that I’ve gotten really vulnerable, let’s continue.  These are the things that I was struggling with that week, and during our listening and worshiping time I felt the Lord start to speak to me, so I wrote, and this is what He said to me:

 “Share your heart so I can speak through you.   Open your mouth!  This is how I can heal you and speak to you.  Persevere, have faith.  Even if no one cries, even if no one listens, it will begin to set you free.” 

This was both terrifying and encouraging for me as God was challenging me to simply open my mouth and let His words come out.  He was speaking to me that sharing with others, even if it didn’t seem to move them in any powerful or supernatural way, was what I needed to do to be able to hear from God, to begin to heal and to reject the lies of the devil and be set free from them, and to be able to grow in Him.  He was speaking to me that even if it seemed like all my fears were true and no one cared, that I needed to share the things on my heart with others.  As I wrote these words and thought about what God was saying, I prayed “God, give me strength to be obedient.”  I wrote this down and continued to pray and listen and process this message the Lord had given me.  As I sat there praying, one of the youth kids came up to me with a small piece of paper in their hands, which they handed to me and told me it was something for me.  I opened the paper and immediately got those Holy Spirit tingles and began to cry, because as I was silently praying and internally struggling and listening and asking God for strength, God had spoken to one of the kids with a message for me that simply said “Miranda thank you for your strength. God”

               Since then, I have still struggled to speak up and share my thoughts, but every time I do I am encouraged by those I share with and I learn so much more than if I try to mull things over by myself.  I am learning that this is really what I need to do to really understand what God is teaching me. I need other people, friends, family, church, community who are willing to listen and I need to be brave enough to ask others to listen to me and to share my heart.  And that is part of the reason for this blog, to help me to process the things God is teaching me, it is a way to open my mouth and hope that God speaks to others through my words, it is a way I am trying to be obedient to Him.  If this doesn’t encourage or touch you in any way, if this is your first time reading my blog and this wasn’t interesting and you’ll never read it again, if this all means nothing to you then that’s ok, I honestly don’t share these things for you, I still struggle to see myself as important enough for others to invest time in, but I write these things for me.  And if from reading this you are encouraged to speak up, inspired to go out, or challenged to spend more time listening to God, then all glory to Him for using my human words to bring about something for His purpose.

Thank you for reading!