It's been a while since I've written a blog, and there's a lot God has been doing in my life since being back at school, so I figured I'd share it with anyone willing to read. So, here it goes! Last school year, my first year at Judson University, was a great year, but it was also full of struggles. These struggles were mostly internal. No one could really tell except for the fact that maybe I didn't smile as much as a used to. I freaked out every time I had a test. I got so anxious and stressed that I would feel physically sick. Also, I went through a very hard break up. I was still struggling with this when the school year was over. During the summer I grew tremendously. I became so much closer to God. I saw a little more of the deepness of God's love, I learned forgiveness, and I was full of joy seeing the fruit of the things God was teaching me! I was determined that this school year would be different! I had high expectations. I moved into school a week before freshmen and new student orientation, because I have a position on University Ministries running a children's ministry in Clifford Court, an area of government housing walking distance from campus. That week consisted of meetings on leadership and other things, worship, fun, and prayer. It was great, but it also left me exhausted going into the first week of classes. Classes started, I started to become overwhelmed with my responsibilities at Clifford Court, classes, with the theatre program at school, grading, and tutoring. I was gripped with a fear of failure. I didn't know who I could talk to about what I was feeling. I felt that my "troubles" would be a burden to people, and no one would want to listen. I was fearful, feeling inadequate, feeling worthless, and feeling much like I had the year before. I became disappointed in myself for going back to how things were last year after I had grown so much over the summer.
A few weeks ago much of those feelings of worthlessness and other things I was going through finally came out of the deep place inside me where I was trying to hide them. I opened up to a group of classmates and teachers. I realized some of the reasons I'm struggling with my self worth, and I became closer with friends who encouraged me and lifted me up. As a result of that I now have friends I know I can talk to when I'm feeling really low, and I have friends holding me accountable. One of my professors has also agreed to meet with me to talk through those struggles with me more. That's not all, though. I'm taking a class this year called Mentoring in Christian ministries. For this class, I have to mentor someone and be mentored by someone. I don't know many people in this area, but I asked the wife of my Advisor for my position on University Ministries to be my mentor. So far, I've only met with her once, but she has already provided the challenge and accountability I've been lacking in my life for a long time. I'm also in Practicum I this semester. For Practicum, I am going to a Middle School ministry on Wednesday nights and leading a small group of 6th grade girls. For practicum, I have a supervisor, who is the Middle School pastor. My friend, who is doing practicum with me, and I meet with him every other Thursday to talk about ministry, the Bible, our lives, . . . This man is so wise and I'm already learning so much from him!
All in just a few short weeks God has put some incredible people in my life! I've never received so much encouragement and affirmation and I've never felt so challenged as I do this year! In many ways this has been very difficult and uncomfortable, but I can see and feel God working in my life! He's placed each of these incredible people in the position they are in in my life at the exact right moment for exactly what I needed them for. God heard my prayers for this school year, and he hasn't let me completely fade back into how things were last year. He didn't let me wallow in self pity, He didn't let me give up on my commitments because of my fear, and He has taken care of my every need, and He's walking with me through every challenge! WOW, I'm just amazing by how He's working. I'm still struggling, still dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear, but I'm struggling with joy, because I know it's shaping me into the woman God wants me to be! I still have those moments when I slip back into old habits, but God's always there to pick me back up again in my quiet prayer time, when I read the Bible, and in the form of the many great people in my life! My trials look very different from the trials of another. They may seem small, but, as one of my friends explained to me, God knows what I can and cannot handle right now. I'm learning to consider these trials pure joy as I see God working through them in my life. I'm also learning that you can't really heal until you open up to others. I'm so very thankful for the people God has strategically placed in my life!
James 1:2-4 says: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
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